On top of that now I’m constantly scared of losing him. I worry about everything I do or say and wonder now what straw will finally break the camels back. You see, he didn’t say that it was over. In fact, just the night before in bed, he looked at me after all that had happened and said he had loved me from the minute we met. Little did I know that the next morning he would break down and tell me he wasn’t sure he could take anymore of any of this. Us, me, his life. I’m frightened of this. I have this feeling that won’t leave and it’s like the tables have turned. I’m not sure if it’s punishment for all I have done or that I deserve it. I don’t know anymore.

All I’ve ever wanted is him and I together since the minute we met. A future with him. Everything that surrounds him. We have already gone thru so much and it couldn’t have gone any better so why this now?

Like I said, it is most likely my fault. Instead of thinking of him or us when I would say the hurtful things I did, I thought of only me. Until the the other day I never realized the impact I had and what it felt like or how much it had to have hurt until it was me in those shoes. I felt alone, scared, and abandoned. I rethought all the choices I have made in the last few months and wondered what I did with my life. In the end I realized I was so busy focusing on these tiny things that shouldn’t be a big deal and I was destroying the future I am wanting to create. And now I just wonder if it’s too late….

Being the hopeful romantic, even having tattooed the words “hopes” and “dreams”, I can’t believe this to be the case. I have to believe that it’s a bump in the road as he once said to me before. It’s something to have been experienced between us only to make us stronger. I have to believe that.

But for today and right now, I’m just scared. I mean, I know I’ll be fine no matter and that things happen for a reason, even me meeting him. I just can’t shake the feeling of walking on eggshells and worrying about every move I make and every word I say. Scared that that one more time or one more thing will make him give up on me and on us. I hate this with a passion. I tear up just writing this and I’m scared for him to go home because I might screw up.

I called him just a while ago and felt awkward on the phone. I hesitate questioning anything in order to not upset him. All because I’m afraid of losing him.

I haven’t felt this way in so long but it’s especially scary because I have found the one. He is “it”. The one I love, the one I want a future with, to grow old, have a family, and the one who loves me as much as I love him.

How do I make sure I have a happily ever after??

Either way, it gets us to a point that is absolutely crazy. Me, I shut down, him, he blows up both emotionally and physically. Blood pressure rising, mind racing, taking it to a place that is of our worst fears. I want to run away most of the time yet at the same time all I want to do is be with him, near him, touched by him.

How did a love so simple and pure and never intended to happen become a monster of love? How can two people who just want to love each other be mean to each other ? Ahhh passion and love and caring and thoughts and assumptions and ….blah

Well…it’s still ticking along…ticking like a time bomb, drinking til the nights gone.

I don’t know what the right things are to do or say and I seem to want to say what’s on my mind even if it isn’t the right time and I don’t know how to fix it and I only know taking myself out of the equation feels like it would make things better. But it doesn’t and instead I feel like I screw things up worse only because when all around is quiet my mind keeps racing with thoughts of what should have been, what could be, what I should have done or shouldn’t have. I need a shut off valve. Something that calms me and tells me it is all ok and he won’t leave me because I’m….crazy.

It’s the only word I can think of for why I react the way I do and sometimes feel like it’s the end of the world for one what probably is, miniscule moment in time.

I remember this happening many times where I felt like one bad choice or wrong word overwrote all that was good. That somehow I could alter all that could be or is because of the lack of a shut off valve. I think it even did. The difference is that it doesn’t have to be that way. Or at least it doesn’t seem to have to. So how do I shut it off?

I guess only time will tell if my craziness, anxiety, or what have you to be the perfect person or less of a disappointment to the ones I love will ever be conquered. But for now I look for the right thing to say or do to make it all go away and disappear like it never happened.

I’m so lucky he likes to do just about anything, including making pies with me. I’ve only done this once with someone I’m in a relationship with but it was for the holidays rather than a random Wednesday night. It was fun and great to see him all into it and loving that I would just randomly wanted to make pies. I think they came out pretty damn good for our first time and the best part is that we do all these things instead of sitting on the computer or boob tube.

In addition we played rummy 500, which I lost, but I swear he was making up rules as he went lol it’s ok either way, I love him and so glad we could just enjoy each others time.

Tonight the plan is to make beef stew! Another first. Cross your fingers it comes out good. I love cooking him meals and I def never really cooked before so it’s quite a change and I love having someone appreciate it and get excited for it.

So after last nights first dinner, it’s amazing to me that the OHs previous partner never cooked or made dinner. Maybe just not for him or maybe not at all but that’s what he said. Really?! Seems strange.

I like to cook but I’m certainly not a cook by any means. More like I follow the recipe and sometimes add my own touch like tonight. I like the fact that I might make something for someone and not only do they like it, but they feel special that I made it for them. He seems to take it this way and for good reason because I rarely cooked with my husband.

I’m pretty amazed by the whole relationship really. Last night before bed he said to me that he can’t picture doing anything in his life that didn’t include me. That’s a pretty nuts statement. I mean, I’ve felt that way about other people and I certainly do about him, but I’ve never had anyone say something like that to me.

For instance, poker is one of his favorite past times and from what I hear, he used to be quite actively involved in. So far he has yet to play while I’m around except for the one weekend I went away and even that weekend he didn’t seem to be really enjoying himself. The fact that someone sees enjoying time with me as the top thing on their list is quite strange really. And it’s not that I’m that insecure. Just goes back to the idea I’ve never experienced a love like this.

Ahh love…makes us do strange things

Well off to stick the meal in the oven.

In addition I found a piece of heaven tonight. One of my guilty obsessions is nice bedding. Since I find the bedroom to be my sanctuary, good bedding is a number one in my book. I skimped on the sheets for our new bed the other day so I’ve been paying for it for the last two nights. The sheets I got were clammy. I don’t know how that is possible but they would stick to you and make you feel sweaty even when just getting in the bed. So tonight, I got what I love, nice 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Gawd I can’t wait to get in bed. Nothing like the smoothness of nice new sheets to wrap around you while you dream of greatness.

I know it sounds silly…anyway, we are relaxing now with music in the living room. Getting used to time at our new ‘home’ together, both online sitting next to each other. As much as I don’t mind being on the computer right now, I hope this doesn’t continue. I love our time together and how we can be wherever and just ‘be’ with each other. I haven’t gone into the beginning yet, but one thing you should know is that we spent the last month or so sitting in parking lots wherever together talking about whatever it is that came to mind. No topic off limit and time was limitless. I’m afraid of losing that but I think we will still be here beyond that…it’s just amazing how simple life can be. I haven’t watched tv since we met because when we spend time together it’s not of interest (although we can’t count the Red Sox and Patriots games that can’t be missed).

Our relationship really is amazing though and the things he says to me with such sincerity…I’ve never had anyone love me so much other than my parents. Well, maybe it’s more I have never had anyone love me so much that I love just as much. Anyway, I’m babbling on, getting mushy. Until next time.

I guess I have been clear this entire time…except that it feels like it has never been in reach. I hope and I dream…but like the distance between me sitting on a step and the star I stare at in the sky. It felt so close, but I just can’t get there to touch it or hold it. What’s different this time is that I am touching it. It’s all around me and I feel its glow, its glimmer and its realness and the sparkle it brings to my life.

Analogies are a funny thing…I can take almost any object and relate it to my life and how I am feeling right now.

So this is the story of a 30 something tough, emotional chick. In addition to this, I’m on my way to divorce after just over a year of marriage, becoming a statistic. I’m debt free for the first time in my life and I just moved into a new place with the man of my dreams who I’ve been waiting for my entire life and I’ve only known for a month and a half, but feels like a lifetime  I fell in love at first wink and the best part is the feeling is mutual. At least I think it is…couldn’t have better and worse timing since there is no ink dry. Sounds like a great combo, doesn’t it?

Let the adventure begin for life on shores….